How NOT To Sell Me A DC Comics Issue

How DC turned me off in some of their solicitations this month:


FINAL CRISIS AFTERMATH: RUN #2

Written by Matthew Sturges

Art by Freddie E. Williams II

Cover by Kako

Cars explode! Fireworks explode! People explode! Surprise villains make appearances...and explode! Get ready to run as the Human Flame ends up finding a new “benefactor” who may grant him a fate worse than death. Did we mention the explosions? Good, because this issue has tons of them.

On sale June 3 • 2 of 6 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

1. Matthew Sturges (the man was the kiss of death to Shadowpact and Blue Beetle)
2. Things explode. Waaaaaaaaaay too close to how Didio tried to pump up COUNTDOWN with "shit blows up" during the convention season run up.
3. 4th wall breaking in the solicit (it can work sometimes; doesn't here)
4. The "remember the thing we just put this character through recently? well, this thing here is like that one...on crack...with a Nazi-like twist!" thing.

FINAL CRISIS AFTERMATH: DANCE #2

Written by Joe Casey

Art by ChrisCross

Cover by Stanley “Artgerm” Lau

The following is a message on behalf of the Super Young Team:

The Super Young Team would like to formally and publicly sever all ties with the manufacturers of OXY-GEN. When the team agreed to be celebrity sponsors of the product, their contracts in no way disclosed the potential deadly side effects. We in no way endorse a product that could cause our fans to be harmed, and will be making a donation to the charities helping the victims of the OXY-GEN tragedy. In the meantime, please visit our website where you can leave video messages for your favorite member of Super Young Team, and be sure to take part in the trivia challenge!

On sale June 17 • 2 of 6 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

1. Solicitations done "in character" that are more cute than useful

BATMAN #687

Written by Judd Winick

Art by Ed Benes & Rob Hunter

Cover by Tony Daniel & Sandu Florea

Variant cover by JG Jones

In this special epilogue to BATTLE FOR THE COWL, new BATMAN writer Judd Winick rejoins the Bat Family! This 40-page issue explores the final moments of the Battle for the Cowl as the new Batman learns that winning the Cowl comes at a high price! Witness the new Batman taking to the streets of Gotham City for the first time! Putting a new man inside the Bat-suit was the easy part – now the fun begins! Guest-starring Superman and Wonder Woman, this issue is a must-read for any Batman fan.

On sale June 10 • 40 pg, FC, $3.99 US

1. Judd Winick...wait...nah. His previous Bat-run wasn't so bad.
2. Oh wait: Ed Benes
3. Misleading solicits. Unless something has changed drastically from what I've been hearing in back channels for what feels like a year now, there's something...I don't know...liar-liar-pants-on-fire-like about something said in that solicit.

THE FLASH: REBIRTH #3

Written by Geoff Johns

Art and covers by Ethan Van Sciver

At last, the answer to the question that’s plagued DC fans for decades: Who’s faster, Superman or The Flash? Call your bookie and bet the farm, because you’ve never seen a run like this – and if speedsters keep dying at the pace they’re going, you might never see another one again!

On sale June 10 • 3 of 5 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

1. A solicit that gives the appearance that an one book in a five issue mini-series is going to be wasted rehashing a classic premise. Save it for the ongoing, folks.

THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD #24

Written by Matt Wayne

Art and cover by Howard Porter

At long last, the first meeting of Static and Black Lightning! Virgil Hawkins has always had a bit of a problem with authority figures – especially politicos as seemingly crooked as one-time Luthor crony Jefferson Pierce. When Black Lightning comes to speak at Hemingway High’s commencement, Static fully intends to give him a piece of his mind. But not if Holocaust takes a piece out of both of them first!

On sale June 17 • 32 pg, FC, $2.99 US

1. Suggesting something is "at long last", implying that there has been some loud clamoring for something occurring when that is far from the truth. Hey, I like both characters (well, I like the universe Static comes from more than the character itself), but even I can see the ridiculously silly hype machine at work here.

Might come back to go over a few more turn-offs, but I need to find something else to do to get this sour taste out of my mouth for now. Where's my City of Heroes shortcut...

Covers Are Getting Pretty Bad...

Man, covers are getting to be more and more unrelated to anything that happens in the books they're on:

HULK #8 Written by JEPH LOEB Penciled by ART ADAMS & FRANK CHO 50/50 Covers by Art Adams & FRANK CHO Variant Cover by SAL BUSCEMA Looking to make a bombastically brilliant book? Here's what ya do: Have JEPH LOEB whip up two heaping helpings of Hulk. Get ART ADAMS to draw HULK vs. the maximum amount of WENDIGO monsters allowed on paper. Then get FRANK CHO to draw RULK whupping up on the gorgeous LADY LIBERATORS. Put both tales together, call the whole thing HULK #8. Bring to boil and serve. 32 PGS./Rated A ...$2.99

The cover is so detached from anything happening in the book that I almost didn't notice how horrendous the solicit was. ALMOST.

Sort of unrelated, but not worthy of a separate post:

SQUADRON SUPREME #5
Written by HOWARD CHAYKIN
Penciled by MARCO TURINI
Cover by GREG LAND
“POWER TO THE PEOPLE”
Nick Fury lost everything the day his Ultimates turned their backs on him, handing him to the Squadron Supreme. But Fury is finding that some old soldier’s habits die hard—and when four fantastically transformed astronauts go public with their powers, Fury makes a move toward a new superhuman vanguard...all this, and a classic Squadron member returns! Part 5 (of 6)
32 PGS./Parental Advisory ...$2.99

Dear God, Chaykin is just writing Marvel analogs into the Squadron Supreme universe now? He knows this isn't an Ultimates book, right?

Wow...So Much To Bitch About In DC Solicits

And I Used To Bitch About Marvel's "Classified" Solicits...

DC just spoils the hell out of their product this month. From the reveal of who joins the Secret Six before the first issue could hit the stands to someone being made into the next Magog, it's just ridiculous. There's even a Bat character death (or is it two?) that seems to be spoiled.

I find especially funny that they spoil the mystery of who is returning to the Titans from the prior issue. As if Winick's run needs more obstacles than...well...his writing of late.

But They Thought This Was Too Big To Spoil?

Gog rewards those he deems fit. Starman has regained his sanity, Sandman his sleep, Dr. Mid-Nite his sight, Damage his pride and Citizen Steel...? What "wish" will the indestructible hero be granted? And more importantly, what drawbacks do these wishes come with? Plus, Starman's true mission is revealed!

Let me get this straight. Who becomes the new Magog? Eh, not important...throw it in the solicit. What wish Citizen Steel will make? WHAT? You better hold that fucker back! Yessirree, Bob!

Too Slow To Do Both Covers Now?

Retailers please note: This issue will ship with two covers by J.G. Jones and Carlos Pacheco & Jesus Merino that will ship in approximately 50/50 ratio. Please see the Previews Order Form for more information.

I can be understanding of the interiors bit. But having to drop one of the two covers? Really? Not enough time for essentially a part of a splash page that doesn't have to fit perfectly into the narrative? Lame...