Friday, February 15, 2013

DC Comics Presents: The Orson Scott Card Universe

(feel free to republish any of the below, as long as attribution is given in the form of a link back to this entry) 

Due to all the heat and buzz generated by a yet-to-be-published two issue Superman run from Orson Scott Card, DC proudly announces a new line of comics springing from the renowned sci-fi writer and writers he's invited to join him.

Co-written by the Koch Brothers
Artist: TBA

When the masses creep closer and closer to a class war, attacking CEOs and vandalizing corporation offices, it is up to the Last Son of Krypton to save them from themselves. Backup feature from Citizens United Studios: in a shocking update to the Superman mythos, Kal-El realizes the version of Krypton's undoing he has believed all these years was programming from Brainiac and it was actually rioting by the labor class in subterranean factories that doomed his home world.

*Note to retailers: there will be a free handout offered in matching with all Action Comics orders titled THE TRUTH ABOUT ALIENS, where Superman details how the immigration process should go and why he's proud to go to the back of the line.

COMET & ACE: Star Crossed Love - A Graphic Novel
Written by Rick Santorum
Artist: Justiniano

After years of exchanging looks over the Super Pet table at the JLA/JSA Thanksgiving gatherings, the Horse of Steel & the Bat Hound plunge into a romance that no one else understands. Comet regrets his decision to expose himself to Gold K when Doomshog returns and kills Streaky in his war path. How will be regain the might to dispatch his greatest foe and, if he does, what will come of his relationship with Ace.

*Note to retailers: please see the Spotlight on the preceding page for the advance solicited COMET & ACE: Horse of Steel, Hound of Tissue one-shot written by Jim Norton.

JENNY SPARKS: My Two Dads Are Better Than Yours #1 of 4
Written by Rick Santorum
Artist: TBA

Apollo and Midnighter finally put their foot down and insist Jenny enroll in public school to see what it's really like to be her age in the 21st Century. But, as they attend a parent/teacher/student event in their mild mannered alter egos, a few small feats for them that would be nigh impossible for the other parents creates a hilarious problem when Jenny tells everyone that it's all because they're gay for each other. Chaos ensues as attendees try to lift cars and dodge bullets after having (what they'll soon wish was anonymous) gay sex with each other in the locker rooms.

ZATANNA: Nrob Niaga #1 of 666
Written by Christine O'Donnell
Artist: TBA

After falling in love with the angel Zauriel, Zatanna Zatara has come to understand her powers are not backwards spells, but backwards prayers. As a devout born-again Christian, her priorities in life have taken a turn. She has put all her good, honest, godly effort into trying to lead the people to the light, but when people still view her as a pagan, how can she get elected to Delaware's open Senate seat without saying, "gir eht etov ni ym rovaf!"

DEADMAN: Talking to Ghosts #1 of ? 
Written by Clint Eastwood
Edited by Clint Eastwood
Artist: N/A
Letterer: TBA

*Note to retailers: for this special collaboration, we've agreed to let Mr. Eastwood publish the work sight-unseen and for as many issues as he'd like. It is our estimate that he has many, many issues. Grab a chair, sit down and enjoy the ride. (Order with full knowledge that no guarantee is made of the contents and orders will not be returnable even if the title character fails to appear in any issues.)

ROSE & THORN: The Sanest in a Crazy World #1 
Written by Michelle Bachmann
Artist: TBA

By day, Rose is a patriotic legislator. By night, she assumes her guise as Thorn, criss-crossing the nation to battle instillations of the dangerous Ferocious Enraged Muslims of America. How have they been abducting god-fearing Christians to put in their FEMA camps and why does it seem that the White House is doing all they can to keep their existence from being public knowledge?

Co-Written by Rush Limbaugh and his eighteen (18) "personal" physicians
Artist: Pfizer Studios

For the last several years, the Guardians have been lifeless and limp. The highest ranking Corps members want to change this, but it will be difficult. On Maltus, there was a monument to a leader that brought a smile to even the hardest member of society. Mr. Happy was so revered that almost every man would make their decision based on what he would want. But, in order to erect such a monument that will stand straight when plunged into the depths of Oa, a crack team of ring-slingers would have to penetrate the Zamorran bush to get a particular pharmaceutical grade substance. Will their plan cover it or are they being too cocky? Penis. Vagina.

ROCKET RED: You Can See Home From Here #1 of 4
Written by Sarah Palin
Artist: Trig Palin

After realizing that communism is an affront to God, Mikhail relocates to Alaska to make a career change (to being the color commentator for local ice fishing competitions) that he hopes will make him happy. What he didn't count on was a Communist plot to take over the US...hatched from WITHIN our borders. Rocket Red is going to need a lot more than hope and change if his unretiring is going to save the day!

*Note to retailer: please stay tuned for communications from your sales rep about the new and exciting team that will be replacing the Palins as of issue 3.

DR. LESLIE THOMPKINS: Gotham's Free Medicine Woman #1 of 4
Written by John Boehner
Artist: TBA

The good doctor hosts a Congressional delegation to show them how the medical community and the charitable arms of corporations, such as the Wayne Foundation, are able to keep Gotham's citizens healthy without government programs. But when the Minority Leader accuses the clinic of being in violation of several pages of obscure federal regulations, Dr. Thompkins has to act quickly or risk the lives of good Americans that will no longer be able to receive her care.

CATWOMAN: Back on the Street
Written by David Vitter
Artist: TBA

After being run out of Gotham, Selina sets up to resume her original life of crime in Washington, DC. But when she gets caught up in an attempt to frame a Republican Senator from the great state of Louisiana, will she have to don a whole different costume to clear his name?

ATOM SMASHER & OBSIDIAN: Mr. & Mr. Rothstein, Finally 
Written by David Duke
Artist: Scott McDaniel

On the heels of having attended a nephew's parent/teacher/student event at school, Al suddenly has an awakening to feelings he never thought he had for Todd. After a whirlwind few weeks of making up for lost time, the two make plans to be married at the JLA Watchtower. But the dark things inside Obsidian refuse to let him live happily ever after with his white knight, setting up an epic showdown of black versus white for the soul of the soon-to-be Todd Rothstein. Whatever the result, when the dust settles, will there even be a wedding?

EXTRANO: Flamboyantly Exceptional
A collection of shorts written by #tcot members
Artist: Various

Top Conservatives on Twitter tell stories of the power of homosexuality in modern day America.

BATWOMAN & MANHUNTER: Strange Bedfellows 
Written by Dr. Laura Schlesinger
Artist: TBA

After the world's most adored radio personality, Dr. Nora Kissinger, is kidnapped in Gotham, Batwoman & Manhunter must team together. But when socialite Kate Kane becomes a person of interest and District Attorney Kate Spencer realizes she's the same person helping her at night, does she share her secret with her or keep the knowledge to herself. As they begin to see the real story is one that involves deviant sex clubs, can they stifle their own developing urges for each other long enough to solve the case?

GREEN ARROW: Modern Day Robin Hood 
Written by Ben Stein
Artist: Ethan Van Sciver

The American people are being oppressed and they don't even know it. Evil Durlans have taken over our government as tax-loving Democrats with a plan to steal every precious resource held by American hands and indoctrinate the youth. It's up to Oliver Queen to expose these illegal aliens one tax collector at a time.


Leading the second wave will be the following projects we're developing:

ETRIGAN THE DEMON: No Sinner Left Behind
Written by Kirk Cameron
Artist: TBA

THE QUESTION: Kate Kane is the Answer
Written by Victoria Jackson
Artist: TBA

Co-Written by Dan Cathy and Tony Perkins
Artist: TBA

Written by Chuck Dixon
Artist: Billy Tucci

VIBE: Pride of the Community
Written by Michael Savage
Art: John L. Byrne

MR. TERRIFIC: President of the New World Order
Written by Rush Limbaugh
Fully painted art by George W. Bush

THE PREACHER: For The Love of God 
Written by Shirley Phelps
Artist: TBA

WONDER WOMAN: Female Power
Written & Drawn by Dave Sim

RESURRECTION MAN: Legitimate Death & the Body's Way of Rejecting It
Co-Written by Todd Akin & Dick Cheney
Artist: TBA

PRESIDENT JOKER: Court Jester in Chief
Written by Glen Beck
Artist: TBA

STEEL: Who's the Master
Fully packaged by Studios

RAGMAN: The Right of Return to Gotham
Written by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Artist: TBA